Teen Boy Excited About Facial Hair, Now Distraught

FORT WORTH, TX

For high school junior Zachary Clemons, life is fraught with the same struggles as any American high school male: braces, acne, nearsightedness, weak upper body, poorly timed wood…

But until now, facial hair has not graced that list. “You don’t understand,” whines Zach, as he launches into a coughing fit to mask his cracking voice. “It was just starting to get thick, you know? I have dozens, hundreds! of facial hairstyles I was dying to try out on Pinterest. And now- this.”

“This” refers to Fort Worth ISD’s newly-released guidelines that direct school faculty and staff “to acknowledge the gender identity that each student consistently and uniformly asserts,” thus allowing students to use restroom facilities that align with his or her identity.

“My first thought was, ‘You mean all I have to do to get in the girls’ bathroom is tell everyone I want to be a girl now and get free entry?! Uhhhh… yes please!!!

No more looking left, then right, then a quick left again to see if anyone’s coming!

No more tip-toeing into the stall, locking the door, and standing on the toilet seat!

No more holding my breath while I snap pics of girls going #2 over the stall!

Nope, I’ve got an easier way. All I have to do is grab a wig, watch some makeup tutorials on YouTube, have a deep, serious convo with my counselor, change my name to Kathy, tell all my friends, keep this up “consistently and uniformly”… whatever that means… and POOF! Free access to the ladies’ room, suckas!!! Got my camera ready ’cause I’m gonna watch you ALL pee.'” ***

But his excitement faded that very first morning, after Zach Kathy wiggled into his her Spanx, selected a sensible, yet subtly slutty, outfit from his her new Wet Seal wardrobe, and headed to the bathroom to try out a new makeup tutorial called “Beyonce’s Diva Look,” when he she glanced in the mirror and noticed those sparse, fine, telling whiskers.

“I realized then and there that it was either my dream of a Fu Manchu or 20,000 followers on SnapChat (@zachattacksthegirlsroom, holla!). Kathy’d never step foot in school with with that shiz on her upper lip. I’d never let that happen to her.”

When asked what he was going to do next, Zach (it’s still Zach, right?) shrugged his shoulders in resignation, “I guess I’ll just have to go back to sneaking into the girls’ bathrooms like I always did.”

*** Upon pointing out that these guidelines do not give anyone the right to watch other people pee, he just stared back at me, a look of incomprehension in his face, then proceeded to rattle on about all the things he was going to do in the bathroom. I believe he was too committed at that point.

If you are interested in this heated debate, I highly encourage you to read the guidelines that were released by the FWISD and come to your own conclusion.